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Naagin 3 review: Kareena Kapoor and Veere Di Wedding ruin snake couple’s honeymoon

Naagin 3, world’s most cerebral show to ever get made, is back with a third season and here is our review.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a night-in planned with your boyfriend and his parents cancel their trip at the last moment? All those scented candles you bought, all the lingerie you got and all the legs you shaved was for nothing? Kind of like how a naagin must feel when her naag was killed the very night when they were to consummate their marriage after a tapasya of 100 years. Almost the same thing, right?

The world’s most cerebral show to ever get made is back with a third season and like always, I am the sacrificial lamb offered at the show’s altar. I am supposed to assess how the show has changed since last season, how it works with a new story, new cast and same old ridiculousness. Behold then, an unbiased account of watching Naagin 3.
The show begins with a call back to Mouni Roy’s character who, I assume, died in the last season. However, like a scooter that runs another mile if you tilt the tank a bit, the naagin still had some life left in her to conveniently tie up her story. She sits up before dying again, promising to murder her killers in another season because they have already paid the new girls and she has a movie coming up with Akshay Kumar. “Main waapis aaugi,” she says as she makes an investment for a future if a career in Bollywood doesn’t pan out.

A Gayatri Mantra, Hanuman Chalisa and a trip to char dhaams later, we are finally deemed pious enough to watch Naagin. In walks a rich guy out to demolish a temple and introduce himself six times in a five-minute scene. “Andy Sehgal (or ND, I am confused) naam hai mera,” he says while wearing his ugly pink-tinted sunglasses in an ugly blue tinted scene that seems to have been shot on an x-ray film.

A man gets almost slapped for believing in naags and saperas and you almost feel good about it until you realise that it is actually he who is on the right side of truth in this universe. Several giant snakes descend on the temple grounds to swallow up some of the villain’s men. These anacondas don’t want none unless you got fangs hun.

We then meet a bunch of Harvey Weinsteins in the making. A group of half a dozen manboys hit the club where they drool over Swara Bhaskar and Shikha Talsania. The ladies, out to promote their new film when not eating Bikaji namkeen, order drinks at the bar in salwar suit and try to ward off some horrible pick-up lines. Kareena Kapoor finds a fake gun just casually chilling at the bar counter and makes murgas of the boys. Ekta Kapoor launches a new show and promotes her new film, all at the same time.

Feeling insulted at not being able to get away with rape, the boys head to a haveli where they find a naag and naagin about to get down and dirty. A big tussle and an attempted gang-rape later, the boys decide to kill the naag because they didn’t want to appear losers in front of the snakes. Can you believe the sentence you just read?

The naagin sounds like Karishma Tanna as she mourns her husband’s murder. She vows to avenge his death and her ruined Sabyasachi outfit with what we assume will be an intricate, complex and totally unnecessary web of lies and deceit.

My sister, who decided to sit with me through the show for support, asked me why the naagin couldn’t turn into those little snakes that are usually found in sewers, discreetly slip into the murderer’s room, turn into a regular size snake and simply bite the guy?

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